Holy Sheet: Puern

3/20/08

By Jordan Royer
Critic Collumnist

Stay classy LSC

Any time I mention the word porn I get one of two responses, either I get the glare and the ‘you’re disgusting’ or I get the nod and the ‘heck ya man.’ Well, thanks to a good friend of mine, Ben Clark, we now have a more sophisticated word for porn that just rolls off the tongue and sounds so much more sensual- puern.

That is right, puern is one of the single greatest words I have in my vocabulary and I find myself just shouting it out. It has all of the wonderful feelings I get from watching puern wrapped inside the classiness of it. Try it out, I am sure you will like it. And it is actually a word, just check urbandictionary.com.

Now that I have cleaned up my language and put a twist of class on things, I want to introduce people to the world of penis tricks. Sounds crazy, I know, but there is such a game and I have played it.

The world has Sutton, Vt. resident Luis Guzman to thank for bringing penis tricks to the forefront in his hilarious comedy Waiting. Guzman, like in most of his movies, is not the star but it is his constant efforts throughout the film to flash his genitalia at people that makes him a legend in my book.

Guzman and the rest of the cast introduce amateurs such as me to tricks such as the bat wing, Abe Lincoln and probably my all-time favorite, the goat. I know what you are thinking, this kid is crazy, but although a flaccid penis may ordinarily not be appealing, if you can twist and turn your man-goods into crazy little animals or circus-like attractions, you might just lighten the mood at any occasion.

I like to think I am moving past amateur status when it comes to tricks like the goat and the man-gina but there are still others, far more creative, that I have either not been able to master or maybe I just don’t know about them. I will say this, however, be smart when you try penis tricks. First off, you don’t want to damage your goods and secondly, there is a time and a place for such events.

Position of the Week- The western flamingo