Holy Sheet: Taint back Vermont

5/8/07

By Jordan Royer
Sex Columnist

To start out I would like to thank everyone who picked up the Critic each week to read Holy Sheet and to everyone who supported my efforts of putting the school paper on edge. With that being said, I will now try to make my final column the best and most unforgettable of them all.

For months now I have been talking about watching porn, but let me now venture into making porn, whether it be for money or for fun. A few weeks ago there was an article about being a porn star but to be honest I didn't read it. I remember the title though—Who wants to be a porn star? That was all I needed to read. ME! Through conversation around school I heard the story was about the amount of STDs in the porn industry, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make some good old homemade puern. What is better than watching porn? You are right, watching porn where you are the star. And what better way to critique your performance between the sheets than to watch it afterwards.

I will say this though, don't be a creep and hide the camera on your partner so they don't know you are taping. Save your creeping for facebook, America's number one tool for stalking. And don't lie, if you have a facebook account, you have probably done some stalking. But anyway, back to more about the video taping. I will be honest, I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to this subject but I know it would certainly turn me on to video a woman masturbating. Call me crazy, but that would be hot. Get some nice foreplay action shots and then throw the camera on the tripod and put the 'tripod' to work.

A few weeks ago I was talking with some buddies about weird places to masturbate. We each tossed out some crazy locations and as I am sure most of you can guess, I was the King of Cuff. Surprisingly though, and I am sure everyone is quite thankful, I have never fed the geese on the LSC campus. But a few days still remain until graduation...kidding.

The school year is about to end and that means summer. And remember the sun makes her clothes fall off. Well, actually I think that is tequila, but the sun certainly doesn't hurt. Summer is a time for warm weather, tans and sex'n for six-pack abs.

Now back to my title. Taint back Vermont. Many people will argue that I have tainted LSC with my crude comments and lack of respect for the community and I am sorry to anyone that feels that way, but I wouldn't change what I have done and through it all I have become not only a better writer, but a stronger person. Don't knock me for my obsession of my own genitalia, everything about a women's body, puern and funny sexual words like taint, nacho or grundle (which are all words for the spot between scrotomtown and anusville) because I know I am not the only person out there that digs that stuff.

In closing I again say thank you to my friends and family and everyone else who supported me. Have fun, have sex and most importantly, have fun having sex.

Position of the Week- Prison guard